We've learned so much in the past few days. None of it has been earth shattering, but some of it has been life changing. We've learned that our new kids may never share the same vision of adoption that we have. This breaks our heart. Our vision was raising the kids to be confident adults, sending them off to college or helping them with jobs, planning weddings, being grandparents to their kids, etc. The very same things we wish from Abby, Evan and Sawyer. Instead, we learned that it is very likely that when the kids turn 18, they will return to their hometown and go back to their mom. When talking with them about finalizing their adoption, Paul has expressed he doesn't want to (he's 15 and is allowed to make his own choice). But, he has no idea of any other plan. Hannah and Abbey agree one day, but change their mind the next (however, they don't have a choice). They all agree that they've got to do and see many things that they didn't have back in their hometown. They also agree that things here aren't so bad (b/c they usually only remember the bad). Their lack of confidence in the adoption is because of the following.
The kids all suffer from RAD (reactive attachment disorder). In a nutshell, they've been neglected and bounced around so much, that they haven't really been able to trust anyone or build any type of relationships. Everyone they've ever trusted has left them. They're not capable of trusting anyone right now. We can tell them we love them and they're not going anywhere, but others have told them the same things, so why are we different? They have a hard time finding and keeping friends at school, because why bother, we're probably going to leave anyway- is what they think. This is where our kids are. They are happy and seem well adjusted on the outside, but on the inside, they're hurting.
Homework at our house is sometimes not the greatest. Picture at school, the teacher getting upset because the kids are behind, can't focus, and are sometimes disruptive, all for obvious reasons. Then they come home with missing assignments, bad grades, etc. It turns into a battle ground here. Kids with RAD are not like other kids. Taking away a phone, or TV, or going to bed early doesn't change the behavior. They live in the moment. Everything changes from one day to the next. We've learned what happens at school stays at school. We have to learn to trust the school that consequences there are given. But at home, we can't let the negatives carry over. It's not worth it. Don't get me wrong, we have homework time between 4 and 6 every night, where everyone is suppose to be doing homework or the like. However, if one chooses to not do the homework, it is not our battle, it is the schools battle. We make it perfectly clear that we are not in charge of grades, they are. They can stay after and get extra help, and we will help them at home, but if they fail, it's their grade. Having a power struggle about grades is just not worth it and it sabbotages any kind of relationship we've built. Some days are productive, some days aren't. They live in the moment. They don't remember how good it feels to get something done one day, as the next day will not look the same. College is not on their mind, nor will it be for quite some time, if ever.
And then there's FAS (fetal alcohol). Though no one has been diagnosed officially, we're pretty certain that the girls have it. Some factors with this are having little concept of time. They can tell time, but if you say bed time is in 10 minutes, it is hard for them to guage that, without asking every minute until then. Also, memory plays into it. For example, going to the store and getting just a few things...they struggle with remembering what those things are when we get there. (I do too, but I'm getting old) There are more factors that go with FAS, but these are the 2 things we notice the most. It is a challenge to say things for the 10th time, with a smile on your face.
One more..they probably all struggle from PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder), but are undiagnosed as well. This is heartbreaking. Because of abuse they suffered when they were 6, 7 and 10, it is likely they have PTSD. For the years of therapy they've had, I don't think anyone has ever really hit the root of this. This doesn't just go away. So when our kids are in school, who knows what they are thinking about. Could be the crappy abuse they went through, or had to watch, could be terrible people that did terrible things, but it's unlikely the math problem the teacher wants them to learn. They all see a therapist, but because we didn't really know what we were dealing with when they started here, we're switching to someone that specializes more in what they need.
And yep, even one that is a little OCD...things have to be just so, or else...
Because of these things, our kids do not share the same vision of adoption that we do, because they can't. Maybe one day they'll get there. Our vision has been, well, a bit scattered, but it's okay. Right now, our job is to develop relationships with them, one where no matter about their RAD, PTSD, or FAS, they know they're loved and we're not dispappointed with them. We hope and pray that we are good role models for them, that we can help prepare them for the world, and that they can trust that we're not going anywhere.
Rob and I saw a well liked adoption therapist this weekend. We told her all about all of the kids, and she confirmed the diagnosis we thought were there (though they will all be tested in the next month to get it on paper). She also affirmed things that Rob and I just weren't sure about, like the homework thing. She said it sounded like we were trying/doing some really good things. It was awesome to be validated by someone who really knows her stuff. She couldn't believe they did their own laundry and did chores without putting up a fight. (Sometimes I can't believe it). She did mention that they are going to be like babies, that they haven't had what most babies have learned. We're going to need to back up and build relationships.
Abby, Evan and Sawyer, well...they have their struggles too. The biggest one being- watching how we are treated some days. The therapist told us we can't be so emotionally invested when they're verbally beating us up (easy for her to say). We were told to put on our game face and give a wink or a smile to show them (Abby, Evan, Sawyer) that it's not a big deal. I think it's a great idea, I just hope we can do it.
So, for the most part, they have to have structure. We have a weekly calendar because a monthly one would just cause too much anxiety. They don't do well with large groups, or surprises. They present themselves okay at home, but have challenges at school. A lot of it is us being mindful of what they have and how we handle it and talk to them. This was/is all very typical of Evan, just with different diagnosis.
Tonight, as I finally find time to write, I'm thankful for respite care. A place where the kids can go, have fun and be safe, while I can be alone, calm and have time to regroup. And a time where we can plan our next trip. We'll be heading to Colorado this summer. Because who wouldn't want to travel with this motley crew again...lol!
Thankful for what we have.
Thankful for what we can give.
