Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving looked like:

the 8 of us, along with my parents

Hannah hiding under the deck just as dinner was served, crying, missing her mom

the kids loving the mashed potatoes and gravy,

but not so much the turkey

just relaxing after dinner and playing on electronics (don't judge, they were quiet for the moment)

trying pumpkin, pecan and apple/wine pie

Family Meeting

We had our first official family meeting yesterday. We've had our 3 new ones for 4 months and thought it was time. We've had some struggles between siblings being not so nice to each other and thought it was time for a little activity. Everyone got a stack of papers and a pen. Each paper was labeled with everyone in the family's name=8 sheets. Directions: on the front side, write down all positive things about the person on the paper, backside write anything negative. Rule: can't be on the outside, so no nice hair, you're pretty, etc. They were nervous to write about the negatives, but I told them that person has already heard how much you...(hate toothpaste in the sink), now you're just writing it out. Sometimes it's easier than doing it face to face. When we were done with everyone, we got our own pile back and got to read about what others said. I made a list of all the positives for each person and am going to turn it into a WORDLE to hang in their room. With the negatives, they all got a notecard to write down 2 goals to work on. Hubby and I sat down with all 6 individually and talked about their goals and let them know we'd be watching for them. The activity went great..and I haven't heard our 15 y/o swear all day (one of his goals) :-) 

Regrets=None

During the last month, Rob and I have both been asked if we regretted our decision to adopt.  Let's put it this way, when you get into a fight with your spouse, do you get a divorce?  Some days are just tough, but bailing isn't an option.

Some days are rocky.  Some days are down right ugly.

Some days I cry.  Some days they cry.  Some days we cry together.

Some days are good. Some days are great!

We've had bad grades, fights at schools, suspensions, all from different kids.  And it's only October.

We've had birthday parties and first sleep overs.  We've had soccer teams and first goals scored. 

We've had 10 visits to therapists x 4 kids.

Lots of tacos, spaghetti, pizza and chicken have been consumed.

Lots of bedroom doors coming off and going back on.  

Lots of losing phone privileges.

Much time has been spent doing homework (for some).

Much time has been spent playing with our darling neighbor kids. Thanks Chad and Kelly!

Much time has been spent on time out.

Chores are done on Saturdays.

Laundry and dishes are done by each kid on his/her day.

I love the last sentence!  My day is Saturday.

Every night a different child prays before dinner.

Every night we go around the dinner table and say something we're thankful for.

Dinner is over and we're having popcorn.  And it's quiet, calm, peaceful.

Last night sucked.  Tonight, I'm thankful for quiet calm and peaceful.

Tonight, I'm thankful for 6 kids who know how to do the right thing...at least right now.

One day at a time.

I'm thankful for what we have, the good and the not so good.

They're keepers.  Every one of them.

I don't regret our decision.  

It makes us stronger.

This was written a few days ago.

Guess what?  It's still calm, quiet and peaceful.

Definately keepers.

Random Thoughts

Well.  Some days are definately better than others.  It seems that Evan and Hannah are quite similar.  She is more 'have to have the last word' and he's more I'm going to argue my point forever.  Really, is there a difference?

Abby and Abbey do well together, but Abbey is tending to be a little immature and Abby isnt quite use to that, but puts up with it.  Paul and Abby hang out, too much if you ask me.  But, she is the only one that is close to his age and he doesn't have any friends here yet.  We've enforced the you may not sit by each other, ever, anywhere policy.  I know nothing will happen (I think), but I have to protect everyone's interest.

Abbey is a typical girl and loves most sports.  Yeah!  I've been waiting to go to more sports!  Sawyer is the only other sports fanatic.  Hannah is head strong and nothing is ever her fault (just like Evan).  Paul is pretty quiet and plays on his phone or watches TV.  Sometimes he'll interact with the boys or Abby, but rarely Abbey or Hannah.  He doesn't like sports.

It was so interesting to me that none of them had a clue about baseball.  Didn't know how to score a run, what a strike was, what the catcher does..and who on earth the ump was...Wow.  So much they've missed out on.  I'm sure this is true with all sports.

Trying to get the meds figured out.  Hannah takes them 4 times a day and is sleeping within 1/2 an hour of taking pills.  It is so scary to watch.  No wonder she has trouble in school.  The other 2 take meds, but it doesn't knock them out like it does Hannah.  

It's been busy and quite a learning experience.  Rob is patient as ever and tonight when I asked him if he ever stressed out, he responded no.  Makes me feel bad, because I tend to stress out a little more than needed.

One day at a time.

One week: gone

Well, it's been one week with Paul and Hannah.  Abbey was picked up from camp today.  That makes all 6 kids, in one house, with very limited space.

One could say we didn't plan this very well.  We've got one week left and the bedrooms downstairs will be finished.  This will be the longest week ever.  We are busting at the seams.  Stuff is stuffed in closests, piled high in corners, and really some is just spread out across bedroom floors.

Planning or no planning, we knew we wanted the kids as soon as we could.  The can deal with stuff everywhere way better than I can.  So basically, the next week will be hardest on me.

Guess Who's Moving In

There's about a week and a half before the kids move in.  We are not ready.  Simply put.  Bedrooms are framed, but closets are not.  Don't even have sheetrock yet.  I'm panicing. 

Had a nice visit with each of the kids, Hannah and Paul.  We'll need to work on maturity a little, and also, planning out meals.   Seems like we've been eating out a ton.  Abbey will join us after camp.

Overwhelmed and little is in my hands.

Relief

Wow!  We slept good last night.  It was a busy day meeting the kids.  The best part was coming home and not feeling nervous anymore.  It was really like God had given them right to us.

And then there were 6...

We arrived at Como Zoo, with our stomachs in our throats.  We are unvelievably lucky to have our case worker, Michelle.  She's been with us every step of the way and definately helped ease our tension for our first meeting today.  She made small talk and kept us laughing until we waited for them to show up.

Evan and Sawyer were playing in the grass area, in front of the building entrance, while the rest of us waited near the carousel.  Next thing I know, Sawyer is talking to a boy.  I right away thought he found someone from school.  Next thing I know, they're walking toward us.  That boy was Paul.  He spotted the boys right away and politely introduced himself.  It was so cool!

Foster mom, Patty, was parking the car, while her daughter brought the kids up.  The daughter told us they had spied on us for a few minutes and knew who we were from our pictures.  We sat in the grass and the kids asked all sorts of questions..first one..Can we have Facebook?  Our response...we'll talk.  Our talk time was minimal and awkward.  Everyone was relieved to actually go to the zoo.  The kids were amazing!  All of them.  What could have been a terribly awkward situation turned out to be wonderful...pretty sure this is the start of the 'honeymoon'.

We left the zoo and already had plans for them to come by the construction zone, aka- our house, and then head to Elm Creek Park Reserve for dinner.  It was a long day, but not so much to process this time.  I took all the kids in the van and toured the city, while Rob and  Patty went to Cub to grab some food.  We went past schools, parks, etc. all the while each kid talking a hundred miles an hour at volume 10.  I was thinking ear plugs...I'm going to need some ear plugs.

The kids were all talking about... can I call him my brother and sister.  Both families were asking.  My response, do what feels right.  We left by kids hugging and Rob and I giving pats on the back (funny how the kids got the hugs...).  I knew they wouldn't be quite ready for a hug from us yet.  They headed off to the hotel with smiles on their faces and excitement for our next visit.  That will take place in one week.  Just in time for us to finish up the school year.

I can say that I feel blessed, and I am glad that day is behind us.  Somehow, things just seem easier now.

Michelle

One Hour Before Meeting Our Kids

Gulp.  Breathe.  Gulp.  Breathe.

Rob's bringing home lunch.  I don't think I can eat.  We leave in one hour.  I hope I don't cry.  Now or then.  

Stomach is churning.  Deep breath.  

Last night, Rob shared the conversation he had with Michelle about her meeting with the kids.  I went to bed with a smile on my face.  Breathe.

More...

Found out today that parental rights have finally been terminated.  Finally.  In a week and a half, Rob and I will travel up north (4 1/2 hours from here) to meet up with social workers, therapists, teachers, foster parents, and whomever else will have us.  The more we learn, the better equipped we will be.  

Sometimes I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it and how life changing it will be for all of us.  I'm typically not a fan of change.  Rob and I joked on how last year, we hoped these adoption thoughts would just go away...how on Earth were we going to do this?  Why would we do this?  Why mess with what we have?  Lots of questions, with no good answers. Instead of going away, the thought kept nagging us. Over the course of the year, we've done a lot to prepare. And more recently, we've read bio after bio, searching for what we think might be a good match and hoping that the other half of the equation is also looking for us.  

If we're not scared stiff by the end of our visit, we'll continue on with the process, with the next step being to meet the kids.  Could be as soon as 3 weeks.  If we have 'chi' (as our case worker likes to call it), they'll come here for a few weekend visits.  Then legally, we have to foster them for 90 days before adoption.  We're nervous and praying that we can handle the challenges they will bring us.  Who wouldn't be?

The kids had their final visit with mom.  I am saddened for them having to say good bye to the only love/life they've known.  They may be coming from a horrible situtation, but it's the only thing they knew.  Can't imagine having that stripped away from them and what they're going through.  We're hoping their foster parents are good people that have been able to give them positive experiences during their time together.  With that said, we know that typically that's not how foster care is...another sad thing.

Please pray for us or send us good kharma!  It's super stressful trying to end the school year with the constant thought if this is all going to work out, and what it will be like.  Not to mention...renovating the house!

So What's Going on with the Adoption Anyway?

Here's a quick overview of what's happening with our adoption plans.  We've spent the last few months completing some paperwork and having a few more meetings.  We've read what seems like a thousand bios on kids and at times, felt like we were getting no where.  We know these kids are coming with issues, and we're being extremely cautious and choosey.
With that said, we've decided to persue the adoption of a sibling group of 3.  I can't give any names right now, but they are between the ages of 10 and 14...girl, girl, boy.  They are somewhat new to the system, and are waiting for parental rights to be terminated.  Once that happens, we expect things to move quickly, beginning with visits.
We're excited and nervous at the same time.  Our next step is to create a life book about us, for the new kids to see.  Should be interesting.  It's hard to know where to start!
Michelle

Truths

We've learned so much in the past few days.  None of it has been earth shattering, but some of it has been life changing.  We've learned that our new kids may never share the same vision of adoption that we have.  This breaks our heart.  Our vision was raising the kids to be confident adults, sending them off to college or helping them with jobs, planning weddings, being grandparents to their kids, etc.  The very same things we wish from Abby, Evan and Sawyer.  Instead, we learned that it is very likely that when the kids turn 18, they will return to their hometown and go back to their mom.  When talking with them about finalizing their adoption, Paul has expressed he doesn't want to (he's 15 and is allowed to make his own choice).  But, he has no idea of any other plan.  Hannah and Abbey agree one day, but change their mind the next (however, they don't have a choice).  They all agree that they've got to do and see many things that they didn't have back in their hometown.  They also agree that things here aren't so bad (b/c they usually only remember the bad).  Their lack of confidence in the adoption is because of the following.

The kids all suffer from RAD (reactive attachment disorder).  In a nutshell, they've been neglected and bounced around so much, that they haven't really been able to trust anyone or build any type of relationships.  Everyone they've ever trusted has left them.  They're not capable of trusting anyone right now.  We can tell them we love them and they're not going anywhere, but others have told them the same things, so why are we different?  They have a hard time finding and keeping friends at school, because why bother, we're probably going to leave anyway- is what they think.  This is where our kids are.  They are happy and seem well adjusted on the outside, but on the inside, they're hurting.  

Homework at our house is sometimes not the greatest.  Picture at school, the teacher getting upset because the kids are behind, can't focus, and are sometimes disruptive, all for obvious reasons.  Then they come home with missing assignments, bad grades, etc.  It turns into a battle ground here.  Kids with RAD are not like other kids.  Taking away a phone, or TV, or going to bed early doesn't change the behavior.  They live in the moment.  Everything changes from one day to the next.  We've learned what happens at school stays at school.  We have to learn to trust the school that consequences there are given.  But at home, we can't let the negatives carry over.  It's not worth it.  Don't get me wrong, we have homework time between 4 and 6 every night, where everyone is suppose to be doing homework or the like.  However, if one chooses to not do the homework, it is not our battle, it is the schools battle.  We make it perfectly clear that we are not in charge of grades, they are.  They can stay after and get extra help, and we will help them at home, but if they fail, it's their grade.  Having a power struggle about grades is just not worth it and it sabbotages any kind of relationship we've built.  Some days are productive, some days aren't.  They live in the moment.  They don't remember how good it feels to get something done one day, as the next day will not look the same.  College is not on their mind, nor will it be for quite some time, if ever.

And then there's FAS (fetal alcohol).  Though no one has been diagnosed officially, we're pretty certain that the girls have it.  Some factors with this are having little concept of time.  They can tell time, but if you say bed time is in 10 minutes, it is hard for them to guage that, without asking every minute until then.  Also, memory plays into it.  For example, going to the store and getting just a few things...they struggle with remembering what those things are when we get there.  (I do too, but I'm getting old) There are more factors that go with FAS, but these are the 2 things we notice the most.  It is a challenge to say things for the 10th time, with a smile on your face.  

One more..they probably all struggle from PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder), but are undiagnosed as well.  This is heartbreaking.  Because of abuse they suffered when they were 6, 7 and 10, it is likely they have PTSD.  For the years of therapy they've had, I don't think anyone has ever really hit the root of this.  This doesn't just go away.  So when our kids are in school, who knows what they are thinking about.  Could be the crappy abuse they went through, or had to watch, could be terrible people that did terrible things, but it's unlikely the math problem the teacher wants them to learn.  They all see a therapist, but because we didn't really know what we were dealing with when they started here, we're switching to someone that specializes more in what they need.

And yep, even one that is a little OCD...things have to be just so, or else...

Because of these things, our kids do not share the same vision of adoption that we do, because they can't.  Maybe one day they'll get there.   Our vision has been, well, a bit scattered, but it's okay.  Right now, our job is to develop relationships with them, one where no matter about their RAD, PTSD, or FAS, they know they're loved and we're not dispappointed with them.  We hope and pray that we are good role models for them, that we can help prepare them for the world, and that they can trust that we're not going anywhere.

Rob and I saw a well liked adoption therapist this weekend.  We told her all about all of the kids, and she confirmed the diagnosis we thought were there  (though they will all be tested in the next month to get it on paper).  She also affirmed things that Rob and I just weren't sure about, like the homework thing.  She said it sounded like we were trying/doing some really good things.  It was awesome to be validated by someone who really knows her stuff.  She couldn't believe they did their own laundry and did chores without putting up a fight.  (Sometimes I can't believe it).  She did mention that they are going to be like babies, that they haven't had what most babies have learned.  We're going to need to back up and build relationships.  

Abby, Evan and Sawyer, well...they have their struggles too.  The biggest one being- watching how we are treated some days. The therapist told us we can't be so emotionally invested when they're verbally beating us up (easy for her to say).  We were told to put on our game face and give a wink or a smile to show them (Abby, Evan, Sawyer) that it's not a big deal.  I think it's a great idea, I just hope we can do it. 

So, for the most part, they have to have structure.  We have a weekly calendar because a monthly one would just cause too much anxiety.  They don't do well with large groups, or surprises. They present themselves okay at home, but have challenges at school.  A lot of it is us being mindful of what they have and how we handle it and talk to them.  This was/is all very typical of Evan, just with different diagnosis.  

Tonight, as I finally find time to write, I'm thankful for respite care.  A place where the kids can go, have fun and be safe, while I can be alone, calm and have time to regroup.  And a time where we can plan our next trip.  We'll be heading to Colorado this summer.  Because who wouldn't want to travel with this motley crew again...lol!

Thankful for what we have.

Thankful for what we can give.

More on the adoption...

We've been asked a lot lately about how the process is going.  For us, it seems slow, as it's something we've been waiting so long for. It can't come soon enough.   Realistically, time is flying by.  We call it Life.

Tomorrow, January 28th, is our last adoption class.  Most of our paperwork is complete.  We've got just a little left, things like: pet immunizations and evacuation plans.  Really, who would have thought??  Our reflections we finished up a month ago.  Now those were some tough questions.  Questions about our childhood, our parents, rituals and routines we have, how we parent, etc.  All really good, thought provoking questions.  And I'm glad they're done.

After tomorrow, our home study begins.  That's when Michelle, from Ampersand, comes out and talks with all of us, to get more of a family dynamic on who would be best placed with us.  She'll also clear the house fit for more kids, which means we need to get crackin' on some of our projects.  For some reason, that plumber costing $96/hour is killing the momentum and the money tree!

At Christmas time, we found out through some of Rob's relatives, about a family of 6 kids.   Some of you have heard. Their ages range from 14  to  2.  Huge amounts of excitement flowing!  and then CRASH.  We got the bios on them and all 6 have pretty significant needs.  More than we can handle, I'm afraid.  It breaks our heart knowing that a family of 6 will very likely be split up.   As we'll tell you, we haven't removed them from our possibilities, but we think you'll agree with us, that small numbers might be a better idea.

Tonight Rob asked me if I was as excited about adoption now, as I was when we heard about these 6, or even before that.  He agreed with me that, for us, it was a little bit (okay, a lot) of a let down that the needs were so high for the 6.  I know, it sounds crazy...why on earth would we want to add 6 more kids.  Why not?

Time.  As much as we'd like to have kids by the summer, we understand that if we don't have a good match, we'll wait.  I have a feeling that Michelle (from Ampersand) knows us pretty well by now and that we'll find a perfectly awesome, chaotic, crazy, heart wrenching match for us.

So, here's to 8 AM tomorrow morning.  Pretty soon, we'll be able to teach the classes...

Michelle